Infidelity is something that has been around for centuries. During biblical times, infidels were subjected to punitive actions. The issue is still present in the modern world, and it is dealt with in different ways.
Statistics show that 1 in every 6 Americans deals with infidelity issues at least once during their union. Mostly, cheating is never beyond our control. We cannot claim that we tripped and fell into someone’s bed or that there was a gun pointed in our heads, which led us to sleep with a person that isn’t our spouse.
There is no excuse for cheating other than we are generally weak as humans.
To some, cheating is the ultimate betrayal that has no cure. Most people believe that once their spouse cheats on them, there is no going back and their relationship has to end there and then.
However, things do not have to end that way just because you have blown a gasket by finding out that your partner is unfaithful. Most of those who have gone down that road will tell you that it was not their best decision. Letting all those years you have spent together go down the drain is soul-crushing.
In as much as no one has the magical license to mess up your life. Getting a divorce is sometimes not worth it. After all, didn’t you make a ‘for better and for worse vow?’ Splitting with someone who can back you to the ends of the world might seem like the best option.
But when you think about it, the choice might not be favorable to everyone, and you might go down in history as one of the people who are great at executing terrible ideas. For instance, you might drag your kids through hell, and the process of changing schools and settling in a new home is unnecessarily hectic.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that you should condone cheating. If your spouse jumps into bed with every Tom, Dick, and Harry whenever they get an opportunity, then you have a good reason to get a divorce.
The last thing you want is dealing with venereal diseases that you didn’t go out looking for. My point is that you should make an effort of fixing your relationship before you consider to get a divorce.
It might be the first time that your spouse cheated and they are genuinely remorseful about it. So, what should you do after finding out that your spouse has been unfaithful? Let’s find out.
Step to Take after Finding Out that your Spouse is Unfaithful
As pointed out, your marriage shouldn’t necessarily come to an end because your spouse had an affair. Even if his or her habit caused so much anger and heartache, your union could still survive.
Both of you have to strive hard to find ways to fill the void that has been left in your lives. You have to find new ways to find a new spark to keep you going.
Relationship experts think that most people cheat not because of their partners being unattractive, but because they have detached or grown apart emotionally.
Such a finding shows that in most cases, the spouse who cheats is somewhat pushed or compelled to do so by circumstances brought about by their better halves such as neglect or not getting enough sex. There are a plethora of reasons why people cheat.
However, couples need to accept the fact that relationships are not all rainbows and sunshine. A marriage union or relationship is a two-way traffic that requires the effort of both partners to keep it afloat.
To heal the mistrust and hurt you have caused your spouse and to rebuild your marriage, there are several things you need to accomplish:
An apology might seem like an obviously simple thing to do, but it’s not just about the “I am sorry.” You must do some deep soul-searching and come to terms with the fact that you did something wrong.
Forgive yourself and acknowledge that you messed up and caused immense pain to your partner. Show your partner that you are willing to do anything to take responsibility for your transgressions.
Unless cheating is your default setting rooted deep in your DNA, you have to learn to keep your genitals in your pants. Just like acceptance is the first step to the recovery of an addict, cutting off all connections with the person you cheated with should be the first step you take.
Tell them that you realized that you made a huge mistake and that you are ready to commit to the love of your life. Make it clear that you do not want a repeat of what happened.
Ensure that you not only delete their contact information, but you also unfriend or block them from all social media platforms.
If you are ready to move on with your life, you must be completely honest with your spouse regarding the issues of your infidelity. Total honesty means that you should readily answer any question you are asked without hiding anything.
If you chose to be partially honest, your spouse might find something that you are hiding in the future, and things will not go as expected. Untangling all the webs of lies you weaved means complete openness, directness, and transparency. Honesty is one of the key things that will help your union get to solid ground.
Spend Time Together
Spending more time together is one of the ways of patching up your relationship. You can take some time off work to go for a vacation for a few weeks.
Doing this will most likely strengthen your bond because you will have more time to think things through and sort out your issues. After getting back home from your vacation, keep the fire burning by planning random date nights.
In as much as marriage is not a fairy bliss, you have to take responsibility for your actions. Acknowledge that you played a part in bringing down your relationship.
Playing the blame game is not acceptable because it only worsens the situation. By blaming each other, you’ll be kicking the issue back and forth like a soccer ball without scoring goals (solving your problems).
Figure out why you Cheated and Share Responsibility
As the cheater, accept that you had a choice before having an affair. If you wanted, you could have put an end to your relationship, but you chose not to.
Accept that you made a mistake and find ways of making it up and or earning the trust of your partner. Do some soul-searching and figure out what compelled you to cheat. Were you tempted, or were you lonely and frustrated?
On the other side, if you are the one who was cheated on, take your time and find out why your partner cheated on you. You might have been too absorbed in your work and neglected to provide the much needed emotional and sexual needs to your partner. At times, other than sex, all that one needs is someone to listen to their issues or a shoulder to lean on.
Give your Spouse Some Time to Heal
After apologizing, you cannot expect your spouse to forget about everything that happened within the blink of an eye no matter how glass-half-full their attitude is. It takes some time for one to heal.
The time may vary according to how deep you stuck a sword into the heart of your spouse. You have to accept the fact that your actions do not inspire tonnes of confidence from your spouse and that forgiveness is a gradual process.
Winning back the affection of your loved one will take some time. At times, especially when the wound of betrayal is still fresh, your partner may not want to see you because you remind them of your unfaithfulness.
Give your spouse all the time they need to forgive you, and they’ll slowly come to terms with what happened.
Seek Professional Help
Not everyone will take the step of seeing a couple’s therapy, which is completely perfect. However, it is crucial to keep in mind that licensed therapists help people move on from their dark pasts by considering all aspects of the relationship as well as the factors that motivated the infidelity. Therapists are qualified professions equipped with ways of restoring trust and maintaining stable relationships.
Overcoming infidelity takes a lot of work, willingness, patience, and commitment from both parties. It is not an overnight process, and couples have to accept the fact that everyone heals at their own pace.
Gaining back the trust of your partner is a long road full of bumps that slow down the process. Today you might make leaps and bounds, and the next day you might feel like you are back in square one.
If you are not ready to throw in the towel on your love life, give everything, commit yourself, and make use of the tips shared in this article, and you will eventually push through.